by John Yeo
"It doesn't hurt much Doc. Really, I don't know why I am troubling you, I get a little twinge every now and then, especially at night when I am lying in bed." I said, making light of the whole thing, I just wanted something to ease the pain and I would be on my way again.
"Hmm! I think I had better take a look, it is odd that the symptoms you describe are happening at night when there is no weight on your legs." The doctor replied. "Go behind the screen and take off your trousers."
When the Doctor saw my green legs with the cactus spines clearly visible he gasped.
"How long have you been like this? When did it start? How did it all begin? I need you to be truthful to enable me to make a diagnosis."
"Well Doctor, I have just returned from a trip to the jungles of Borneo where we encountered an unknown Indian tribe. We were introduced to the chieftain and were offered liquid refreshment by his wife. Most of our fellow travellers politely refused and drank water from their water bottles, except for Jones, my closest friend and myself. The proffered drink was a golden flecked green liquid that was very sweet made from a rare cactus plant. We were so taken with the refreshing effects of this mild looking drink that we both consumed several more."
"How and where is Jones!" Exclaimed the doctor.
"Ah! Jones died after being bitten by a very poisonous snake that coiled around his neck searching for an entrance to his bodily fluids." I replied.
"I suffered no visible ill effects until I got back to England. A week later I was invited to afternoon tea with Lord and Lady Gommersole. Then the trouble started I was offered tea in a beautiful bone china teacup with the Gommersole crest finely displayed, as I raised the cup to my lips, to my horror it seemed to have grown vicious poisonous looking spines. I threw the cup to the floor and it was destroyed. I was ejected from the tea party and from that moment every cup I try to drink from seems covered in spines."
"Hmm, when did the legs begin to swell and grow these lethal looking spines?" Enquired the doctor patiently.
"The night before last, I suddenly found myself writhing in pain in bed"
"I have to say I have never encountered a malady such as this in my entire forty year long career as a Doctor. My first thought is immediate amputation of both legs to counter the night time painful effects and a period in a secure Psychiatric institution to explore the nasty hallucinations. Just sign these appropriate forms granting permission for your operation and I will make the necessary hospitalisation arrangements."
"Nurse, send in the next patient please! "